March of the Planktons
by DualThreatPepper
Summary: Plankton and his computer wife Karen go on a soul-searching journey after the water in Plankton's shower is replaced with hot sauce.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

At 8:00 in the morning, Plankton arose from his deep, evil slumber. His alarm was going off and he could not even deal. Life had become a meaningless void for Plankton, and even his robot wife Karen couldn't ease his sorrows.

"Sugarbutt! I made you breakfast!" Karen called out.

Plankton was still groggy but he walked into the kitchen anyways. He stared down at his plate. There was a piece of bread, toasted, with some gooey brown stuff on it. Not entirely sure what it was, but not wanting to hurt his robotic lover's feelings, he picked it up and took a bite.

"What the actual monster truck is this, Karen?" Plankton said.

"It's Sea-Vegemite. I got it at the Barg-n-Mart yesterday," Karen replied.

"Sea-Vegemite? Are you forreal Karen? Why the crap do you think I would want to eat Vegemite. I am not Australian!" Plankton furiously roared.

Plankton really had a good point. He was not Australian, he was from the Ocean. People who live at the bottom of the sea do not eat vegemite. That is an Australian thing to do. Now Karen had ruined his breakfast, and his mood. He sulked back off to his bedroom and took all of his clothes off and evaluated his image in front of the mirror. His round, green body reflected back into his gigantic eyeball (relatively speaking), and the reflection of his round, green body in his gigantic eyeball reflected back into the mirror, and the reflection of his round, green body in his gigantic eyeball reflecting back into the mirror reflected back into his gigantic eyeball. This went on and on seemingly infinitely, and Plankton became mesmerized by the power of mirrors. He pondered for a moment about the wonders of the universe and the mysteries of the faith, and he prayed a little and wrote how he felt in his diary.

After concluding his existential crisis for the hour, Plankton decided to take a shower because he was already naked. He walked into his bathroom and turned on the water and stepped in. _Something isn't right here_ , Plankton thought to himself. He looked up to see the faucet spouting a red liquid. A drop got into Plankton's gigantic eyeball, and it burned.

"Hot sauce?" Plankton said. "What is hot sauce doing coming out of my faucet?"

Plankton waited for hot sauce to reply but he got no answer. Since he was already covered in the hot sauce, Plankton decided to finish up his shower instead of immediately getting out. When he got out, he dried off with a towel, which was immediately ruined, and walked back into the kitchen, still naked.

"Plankton, why are you nakey?" said Karen.

"I took a shower. That is why," Plankton replied.

"Plankton, why do you smell like hot sauce?" Karen asked.

"I took a shower. That is why," Plankton replied.

"I'm still not following," said Karen.

Plankton then told Karen about how he took a shower but there was hot sauce coming out of the faucet. Karen was kind of confused at first, but then she thought it over, and she was still confused.

"What more is there to add, Karen? I took a shower in hot sauce!" Plankton said.

"That still doesn't explain anything!" Karen replied.

"Well how about you explain how you can smell considering you are a robot!"

"Touche"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Well, no husband of mine is going out in public smelling like hot sauce." Karen said.

Plankton became incredibly agitated with Karen. What if he liked smelling like hot sauce? What if smelling like hot sauce was a part of who he was as a microorganism? Why should he have to change who he is to fit society's messed up anti-hot sauce standards?  
"Darn flabbit, Karen! What if I want to smell like hot sauce? It is my right as a citizen of America to smell like whatever I want to smell like." Plankton screamed.

"Plankton you know we don't live in America, so don't pull that nonsense on me. I am your wife!"

Karen was very mad at Plankton by this point, and Plankton was unrelenting on his position. He knew, however, that Karen being mad at him over the whole hot sauce ordeal was going to put a strain on his marriage, and that just wasn't fair to the children. Not his children, just children in general. Plankton had one more argument that he was sure would at least make Karen not mad at him anymore.

"Look Karen, if I am smelling like hot sauce because I bathed in hot sauce, it is clearly because this is what the Lord has intended. You cannot argue with that!"

"I may not be able to, but I know someone who can!"

Karen dragged Plankton forcibly to the Bikini Bottom Jesus Church of the Lord. She brought him there so he could talk to the preacher. The Planktons had admittedly never been to the church before, but churches are only for when you need them, like on Easter or Christmas Eve, so Karen did not feel it would be wrong to burden the preacher with Plankton's hot sauce issues. They reached the cathedral, which was very large and seemed almost familiar, like it was a mildly famous Cathedral stolen from a former Soviet State. But Karen shook off the feeling and proceeded into the chapel to meet the preacher.

"Hello! Is anyone here? My husband is having a hot sauce related issue that he believes is caused by the Lord and I need a preacher to exorcise him or whatever!"

Suddenly, a figure arose out of the darkness and began walking towards the couple.

"Hello! Hello? Are you the preacher here? You see, Sheldon over here is having a hot sauce crisis and he needs the help of a Godly man."

"Karen, don't give out my first name! That is private information that is only shared between a married couple. A carnal knowledge of a moniker, if you will." Plankton stated.

"Plankton what would you even know about the joys of the flesh with a wife, I am literally a computer on a pole on wheels. Have you been cheating on me?! Seriously, after all we have been through, after I helped you get clean when you had that Krabby Patty addiction?"

"Krabby Patty? Sheldon? Karen?! PLANKTON?" The mysterious figure said still standing in the dark, unable to be seen.

"Yeah that's literally what she just said, you hula hoop!" Plankton angrily shouted.

"Well, well, well. Looks like the Plankton couple is having marriage troubles, hmm? I really couldn't expect more from a marriage to such a sinner! Karen, you are well aware of your husband's, shall I say, transgressions, aren't you?"

"Of course, I mean, everyone knows that Plankton was involved in a Ponzi scheme which cost people millions-"

"Your husband's a thief! And a right terrible one, too!"

The mysterious figure stepped into the light, revealing him to be Mr. Eugene Krabs.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Krabs!" Plankton screeched.

Plankton was not about to be lectured by Mr. Krabs, his mortal enemy.

"Karen, let's get out of here before this crunchy greed ball tries to take our money!"

"Not so fast!" Mr. Krabs yelled. "I have been a victim of your thievery too many times! Now I can finally get my revenge!"

Suddenly, two fish appeared, each carrying a pronged device. Plankton thought they must be cattle prods. Escape would be impossible now. Or would it?

"What do you want from me? I can give you Karen, just spare my life!"

Plankton's plea did not make Karen happy at all, and further added to Mr. Krab's belief that they were there for marriage counseling rather than to address the hot sauce issue. In fact, Karen was so peaved that she rolled over Planton, breaking his legs.

"Owww! What the pickle fruit was that for you piece of noodle?"

"How dare you offer me up to a greasy, crusty reverend slash fast food restaurateur?! I am your wife and I have been with you through thick and thin, and I wasn't even going to leave you after this hot sauce ordeal, but I have had enough! We are getting a divorce!" Karen yelled.

"Karen, I know Plankton is an evil little scumball, but you will go directly to hell if you divorce him. And since he is definitely also going to hell, you will have to spend eternity with him. That doesn't sound fun, does it?" Mr. Krabs interjected.

"Well, no, but I'm a computer. Can I even go to hell? Can I even die? I mean, does the church even recognize computer-microorganism marriages?" Karen questioned.

"Eh, um, you see, those are questions that we clergymen believe are better left untouched, and I, erm, I don't think we recognize those marriages, so, um, that's double the hell for you! You'll be going to hell squared for what you've done!"

"But Reverend, I am a computer! Ah, screw it! Plankton, let's leave."

"Karen, honey, there are men here with cattle prods. We can't get through them." Plankton explained.

"Oh, right."

"And you broke my legs so I can't walk. And you don't have any arms."

"I can see where I have caused an issue. My bad."

Neither Plankton nor Karen wanted to be in this church any longer, but they were stuck until they could come up with a plan to escape. Mr. Krabs was a very stubborn man, and he was even more difficult to deal with now that he had the hand of God on his side.

"Look, Rev. Krabs. We just want to go, and we'll leave you alone for all eternity if you just let us go now." Plankton bargained.

"Hmm, I don't like bargaining with such sinners! But I might be more persuaded with a little mon-ay, if you know what I mean."

Plankton and Karen did not have much money, but they discussed Krabs' proposition, and decided they could spare some change to get out of this told the reverend they'd give him $50 to let them go.

"Why take $50 when I can have 10%? Here's the deal, I'll let you go if you join my church- including the 10% of your income given to me, Reverend Eugene Krabs. How does that sound?"

"Throw in the hot sauce counseling and you've got yourself a deal!" Karen exclaimed.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"So what's the deal with the hot sauce, again?" Krabs nervously asked.

"Oh, well, Plankton here took a shower in hot sauce and now he thinks that smelling like hot sauce is part of who he is as a person and he refuses to change."

"And, how is that the job of a reverend like myself?"

"He says that he smells like hot sauce because it is the Lord's will!"

Mr. Krabs knew his job would be tough. So tough that he would not do it unless he got more money. So tough that the reverend believed he could not do anything to help.

"I can fix your husband, but it will take a lot of money, much more than your tithe, which I still want. I think a generous, low price for my service would still be around $1000. This project will take up so much of my time and effort that could be used to help the orphans or something, and $1000 is a downright charitable price. I'm losing money on this deal, but I will get you in that car today!"

Rev. Krabs turned around and pressed a button on the wall, and a hole opened up in the floor of the cathedral, and a luxury boatmobile was raised up to the surface on a platform.

"You see this here? She's a beaut! I got her when one of my parishioners couldn't pay up one month so I took, er, I mean, offered to buy it from him to help ease his debt. This set me back $30000, but I'll sell it to you for a mere $350000! Remember, I'm losing money on this deal!"

Plankton thought there was something incredibly fishy going on here, and he didn't think that just because he lived in the ocean. He thought that because he was a greedy scuzzball and he knew how other greedy scuzzballs worked!

"Krabs, you're a scam! You don't want to help me, you just want to take my money! Are you even a real reverend?! Where did you go to seminary! Where?! Answer me!" Plankton roared.

The gig was up. Krabs had been found out. Plankton's accusations forced Krabs to open up about his wrongdoings. Or, more specifically, Plankton's threats.

"Tell me what this is all about! Explain yourself, unless you want to be cooked and put into a salad and served at a McDonald's in Romania!"

"Ahh, I don't want to be cooked! Ahh! I don't want to be put into a salad! Ahh, I don't want to be served at a McDonald's! Ahh, I don't want to go to Romania!" Krabs was so scared he wasn't sure which part of Plankton's threat was scariest, so he panicked several times.

"You were about to con us out of $36,050! I demand an explanation!" Karen yelled.

"Fine, I'll tell you. Churches can be a real profitable business, you see. People will give you 10% of their income if you tell them they'll face eternal damnation if they don't. And the advertising is free, you just have to convince them that they are supposed to proselytize, or else, you know, eternal damnation fires of hell yada yada yada. I've gotten so much money from them, I was able to buy this church out of Prague! Now, I can charge admission on days we don't have service because it's 'historical' and I can charge admission on days we do because it's 'historical'!"

"Wow, that is both evil and capitalist at the same time!" Plankton was amazed.

"I'm really surprised I haven't been figured out. This kinda stuff is pretty well known about."

"Are the people of Bikini Bottom really dumb enough to fall into your trap?" Karen asked.

"Actually, if they speak out on anything, I'll sue them! Say it's 'defamation' or whatever. I've got enough money to hire the best lawyers. No one exposes the truths of Krabsology without getting hurt!"

"Wait, isn't this supposed to be a Christian church?"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Erm, what did I say?" Rev. Krabs asked.

"You said 'Krabsology'." Karen replied.

"Oh. Oops."

It was then that Plankton realized what the Reverend Krabs had been doing. This was a slightly different realization about what Rev. Krabs had been doing than Plankton's previous realization about what Rev. Krabs had been doing. Plankton realized that Rev. Krabs has formed his own nonsensical religion to scam people out of money.

"Krabs, what you have done, it's despicable! And that's coming from me, and I am very despicable, so that is extra insult to injury! You have been doing a very bad thing!" Plankton said.

"Yeah, Krabs, you're evil!" Karen added.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Karen, you can't just comment on Krabs' evilness. You're not evil! Only evil people get to comment on other people's evilness. If you aren't evil and you call someone evil, that's being evilest. Please check your anti-evil privilege, okay? Educate yourself. :)" said Plankton.

"How the mayonnaise did you manage to articulate a colon and parenthesis? Is that even possible? Plankton you stop defying the laws of language and stuff right now or I will break your legs!" Karen yelled.

"Karen, honey, you already broke my legs! :("

"There you go doing that thing again! Stop it!"

"Stop what ;)"

"Plankton I am serious! We are so getting a divorce!"

"Friendly reminder that if you get a divorce you will go to hell! :)" Rev. Krabs interjected.

"Not you, too! Ugh! And are you still hooked on this whole 'hell' thing? We know your religion isn't connected with Christianity. We just established this!" said Karen.

"Krabsology has a hell, too. :)"

"Oh, really. Really. Forreal."

"Yes. :)"

"I can never win. :("

At that moment, Karen found herself able to articulate a colon with a parenthesis as well. Although she was upset with the direction her life had taken within the past two hours, this newfound ability gave her hope to continue on. And with that hope, she tried to escape.

"I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm really escaping!" Karen proclaimed as she wheeled down the hallway.

Unfortunately for her, she could only roll at a speed of one mile per hour. Rev. Krabs' henchmen with cattle prods ran after her and cattle prodded her in the pole. It had little effect on her because she was a robot, so they knocked her over.

"Argh! How did you catch me?!"

"Well, it really wasn't hard. You could not have been going faster than like .82933 miles per hour." Henchman with Cattle Prod #1 said.

"Actually, you probably would've escaped had you not alerted us to the fact that you were escaping." Henchman with Cattle Prod #2 said.

"Karen, I can't believe you were about to leave me! After all we've been through!" Plankton cried.


End file.
